My dad: you can’t do this! You come from nothing, a small shitty little farm. How do you think you can turn yourself from 10 cents into 1 dollar? You ain’t good enough girl.
Me: F**k you!
Now me: hmmmmm, am I good enough? Is this the truth. Not my truth anymore. It was based on my dads belief system. He believed he wasn’t good enough.
I am not good enough. Unfortunately, I believed this for many years.
I had been told straight to my face, that I couldn’t finish my high school (Atheneum) diploma, I wouldn’t be smart enough. I proved them wrong, but that belief lived somewhere in my subconscious state of mind for a long time. And my subconscious ran the show.
Self-destructing beliefs ruled my life. I call it “asleep”. Not thinking, just living life as a zombie.
Lyme disease woke me up.
Now I live in as much awareness as I can.
To raise your awareness you can meditate, journal, and practice gratitude.
Question things, let them run around in your mind, and just be with those thoughts. Don’t hate those thoughts, just be with them. Those thoughts are a part of you. You can try to love those thoughts.
When someone pushes my buttons, and trust me, that will be an ongoing journey, there is no end, is just a matter of raising more and more awareness.
I ask myself, why is this bothering me. What is the history. What did I experience. Why does it hurt my feelings. What is the pain. How does that feel. I usually feel a certain tightness in my chest.
In the past I would eat and shop these feelings away. I didn’t want to feel the feelings. Or just keep myself really busy.
A button pusher, in general, is not trying to upset you. You are the one that is upsetting you. The pain is within you. The more you are aware of the pain, the more it will lessen. Accepting the pain. Accepting the “buttons”/triggers.
What really helps me is sitting in silence every single morning, for 30 – 60 minutes. Nothing around me, just peace and quiet. The thoughts and awareness that comes with that, are amazing. So worth waking up a bit earlier. Nice by-product, I feel less stress during the day.
Because at the end of the day, we are just now, just this moment right here right now. Nothing to stress about. No buttons to push.
I simply am. I just am.